To Prove That I Was Ahead of my Time

If you had observed some of the contemporary art pieces of this generation, you'll soon realized that they have similarities with my tear-out styles, tapes, collages, staplers, writings, etc...something uncommon during those times when I started the neophyte concept of it. I'm not sure if I was the first to create such style but I was sure that I've never copied them from anyone....it was pure invention of mine...actually from an accidental coincidences as I've written on my journals during my PNC years and that was as early as 1985 after the workshop at CCP. 
   Some of these imitator are actually gaining popularity...well, I'm not sure if they directly got the idea from me but I'm pretty sure my style had spread somehow thru other means. 

   Anyway, that's life.... no one can really claim sole rights to my teared paper style and who hit the market first was the one luckier. 

at least being notice was such a big deal for a first timer....on National event...

Ms. Sam Lorenzo, artist and Gallerist checking my work 

Here are my early works..its value was never notice anyway during those days....

Heat Wave

The heat is truly terrible and there were even reports of death and famine.... it is serious but what can we do with nature? Despite peoples qualms about Climate change and the over-rated danger of carbon emission it is not our business to play God. Another Tower of Babel tagline to entice mankind. 

   Lifesaver in the person of Sir Armar, during drought on events and commissions.  Like I've told earlier how this came to be....during moment of lows. 

Once again, it made me come into thinking the financial situations of artists how we were able to survive? Project doesn't come that often and selling was harder than climbing Mt. Everest....

   It is soooooo hard to concentrate in this above 40 environment....how can i be productive and my health isn't in tip top shape either. God do you wish me to stay longer? These are the only picture I've took during the Kunst contest....

In Self-Searching Mode Again...

After that recent lost even though I might not be joining contest for a very long time (or not at all) since my family wont be able to support me anyway....I would still be painting with rigor. Intensified but only for my own self gratification. 

Severe stabbing pain on my mid rib recently....yet, I still smoke. 

Back to self-searching once again....it could be this....

and it seems 4S is back on its feet again..a Singacup tournament once again. If i remember it right, Singacup was my first tournament with 4S....could be symbolical once again. Nah, life continues as it wishes...and there are controllers. 

Lost in Dream-scape

I've made a lot of bad moves...I learn to smile and deceive. ♪♪

   They weren't even stirred by my work....it was dissolved and became a blurred non-entity amongst the competitor. I saw my fault...my weaknesses and error but quite too late I presume because I have declare an exit. 

   Those half-hearted strikes were parring only with the amateurish entry. I was just a nobody....nothingness lost in my dream-weaving. 

   I didn't took many pictures nor gave updates...let this day be forgotten, unwritten....it is not really about loosing....but because I've made a promise to take a bow and bid farewell...if I'm the only one to chose I would never give up but it was a decision I must take and swallow.....

   I've seen lots of frustration there at the event space....after the judging....was it similar heart-broken defeat crushing their heart as well? Oh that's life...anyway, most of them are too young to surrender. I was just hoping, they would get all the support they needed especially family back-up. 

Give Me One More Try

oil on paper 

Dormant for awhile on Political issues or even on domestic problem of this nation. I don't wanna jumble my mind for awhile...I want to concentrate on carving a name before they gave up on me. To my family, joining exhibits and contests have no real value and just worthless effort especially that I have not made any sale. You see the amount of resources I've put in joining these events and it isn't that easy to raise budget either. Recognitions can't be converted into cash too quickly if ever it has true worth ....is it still worthwhile?
....and this jolting pains on my rib cage....not now....intensified pinching cutting through my bones...could be tiny veins in and out of my heart. 
   After all, there are circumstances that arises out of the blue....which lead me....to believe that I am still destined for all this dream....I dream a lot. 
   So what if I stop? Where am I going? 

   A famine in North Cotabato...the protesting poor people were shots? What is President Noynoy doing? Campaigning.... 
   Despite the people clamor and high-ratings of Duterte, I still find him unfit for the job of Presidency. As a matter of fact, there is no one running on the said post that rings on my mind. I'm not a qualified voter anyway. 

   I need a big....BIG Break! 

my collections spanning more than 20 years...

 

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Anticipation...

Another ace will be release soon, on the 16th....I want to stay and keep that inner glow of success...of ever burning Faith, not on myself but for the true Glory of God. 

Keep on....

And God replied very quickly....miracle still do happen no matter what the skeptics may say....That day when I was truly down and the people you love no longer have faith in what you do.....can't even treat Elijah on his birthday because in twist of fate I have no face-painting sked for more than two weeks....even if I think long and hard I can not produce anything....barely selling....and Bhel too is having difficulty to meet her target daily sale....some kinda joke that I was adored as one of the best artisan....so they say....well at least to those who were able to reach the radar of my artistry. 

   Sir Armar Ramirez asked for my help to his project which ables me to cross, as much as I wanted to give up the struggles. So God wanted me to stay....keep on... 

Remember the importance of friendship. All Great Artist emerges from other artist ahead of him. So cultivate that connection with "Other" artist (more importantly those who are there before you came).....it is not only more likely to get you recognized, but also more likely to get you to the point where you’re ready to be recognized...

Stir a Steer

I can actually stir the scene quite a bit....perhaps making fun of myself and my witty humor (with rumors) would make them seriously taking me closer to their heart.....or for their amusement and .... I can not construct my logic at this moment....but I never lose hope, always standing on the bright-side of life.

   Some tingling sensation on my chest blades, shoulder, and especially my nape..a heaviness which almost make me hallucinate and easily become hot-headed, an anger that I invented and I knew would be bursting....a sudden attack of blurriness....stealing my peaceful attention....God, I can not let them rob me of productivity. I wanna paint more....in spite of these failures....failure was such a strong word. 
   The people around me who was suppose to be supportive and sending positive energies are the same person that knock me down...sculpting the wound even more....I really must....

   And will they be proud of me???
   The same old scamp...and I pray....and the hurt ain't subsiding, that easily....it was the very nature of my self was being belittle. My reality was on this spot....I knew nothing but to paint....or at least that's what I am capable of....I'm drowned....sorrow....and then I can still make people happy.....I can not give up, one day they will look....and put my pieces in their hearts....on their wall.... 

   Was it right to bury all these dreams and ambitions. A big dream which I've chunked and trying to be happy where I am at the moment. Stay please stay....

Van Gogh and Gauguin Video Biography

Aesthetic Dictatorship

   This got me into thinking once again that the art world is in itself ruled by the elites being part of the Worldly systems. Once, I've stepped inside the golden circle, I must be as wise as serpent yet gentle as a dove. I should be aware of my Christian values clashing against invented human standards. If you think science is the only one in-charge of distorting Biblical truth, the Art world is not far from it...an aesthetic dictatorship. 

   When people fail, there is a tendency to blame outside forces as automatic response for self-preservation....we don't want the last bits of our energy consumed also out of shame and dignity. Prohibited drug dependency can take over these unfulfilled fantasies...and on my case my smoking habit. Taking its toll now, perhaps of my system as I do feel deterioration inside and out. 
   I must rebuke this dependency on nicotine and on caffeine as well.
   
   My wife wanted me to look for other avenues to earn, as well as my son who sees that it take too long to create an income thru my passion. They still could not see my value as a contributor to the wholeness of the human spirit. Just like my mother and perhaps the same sentiment goes also between the families of my fellow artists. I've seen a lot of failures......and yet undying hopes. I pity my fellow artist as well. An advocacy perhaps on this area? Nah! I can't even barely make it on next day's feast. We get some, we lose a lot. 

   ...and yet, I'm still giving hope to newbies....

Somebody

I was so full of hope then...inspired and vibrant...believing this talent alone could take me to fame and fortune. Yet now that I'm here, realizing that those things aren't enough. At this moment I'm at lost especially that the people around me still don't understand what am I doing...where are the material gains? So what does it mean to be recognized? I'm barely surviving...none of my Obras where really sold. Commissioned pieces are not what I meant but those where I truly express myself....bu in fact, even commission portraits aren't that plenty too. 
   After the 4th unfruitful show I buckle down and made me thoroughly self-assess my situation. I feel trapped. 
   I thought I was truly brilliant. And the world would be better for these....Yet brilliance can't put food on your table. 

   I would probably give myself just a few more months then I'll take a bow. I can not sustain my art in this situation. I feel lost and even trapped to where I am now. What happened? 
   What is ahead for my art if there is very limited influence where I can share my visions? 

   There was also some alterations and skip on my Intermittent Fasting/Eating program...as expected I can't keep up.  The smoking still gone worst. 

 Necessity is the Mother of invention but Laziness is the Father of adaptability.

   

I want somebody to share

Share the rest of my life

Share my innermost thoughts

Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side

And give me support

And in return

She'll get my support

She will listen to me

When I want to speak

About the world we live in

And life in general

Though my views may be wrong

They may even be perverted

She will hear me out

And won't easily be converted

To my way of thinking

In fact she'll often disagree

But at the end of it all

She will understand me

I want somebody who cares

For me passionately

With every thought and with every breath

Someone who'll help me see things

In a different light

All the things I detest

I will almost like

I don't want to be tied

To anyone's strings

I'm carefully trying to steer clear

Of those things

But when I'm asleep

I want somebody

Who will put their arms around me

And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this

Make me sick

In a case like this

I'll get away with it