Sunday, November 10, 2019

Faces to Face with a Broken Dream

I barely recall how it felt how that dream realization occur after Dr. Gloria told me the  good news that I would be sent for a Free Visual Art workshop at Cultural Center of the Philippines. The vivid memories vanishing one by one.... only ghostly shadows... faded images....
   Yet it was still the happiest moment of my life. I didn't even wanted that moment to end... wishing how I could time travel and relived every detail. 
Despite all the frustrations and hurt and ache.... and failures I still want to be an Artist. For how can one retire from being an artist. It's in your system, that's how you were made to operate.
   What if I really did try my best, fought, and never gave up easily? 
   Would I have made myself now a name? Established so to speak like the rest of my contemporaries.... but I had made so many bad decisions.... chose to rebel and doubt my Creator. Was it too late now? 

   I think I was made to passed and experience all those things anyway.... God can turn misfortune and even my misbehavior into something that would be useful for His own plan. 
   Was I now a missionary? 
   Maybe I was proven not worthy anyway, change of directions, and the consequences of my previous actions has now filed up to retrieved itself. Save me from destroying myself even further. If I had been successful then, at that inexperience and pride lurking could sent me away, down to the abysmal degeneration. 
   But I really have to Thank those people who came.... they inspired me.... yet I come very short.... failings... fallen.... drifted.... 

   Some names hardly mentions at all.... forgotten faces too... it was a joyous moment that lingers and nothing can surpass at all, at this point, even if I had made it somehow to be shown.... I would not even dare to expound the details for it would shame my own pedestal.... I can not denounce my throne.
   I'm so sorry, I failed....
   I gave up. 
  You wont understand me at all for I my self really don't know what I can make of any sense. It just this ultimate reality that a person, a wheat can not co-mingle with thorns. The parables....choking....


Perhaps I was thinking a lot the way I remember him back then while I was painting this.... soft-spoken, highly talented young artist, inspiring.... maybe, just maybe.... this is how I see him now at the back of my mind, it's like being transported back to the future in the present tense... I was looking at his photograph but still referencing at the back of my mind how I see him before.... It amazes me as I think how the worldwide web transported us back and forth from the past to the future... and vice versa ....
And here I am, now a bit older too and yet becoming a neophyte artisan once again, face to face, a student that barely knows much....still seeing my mentor as a young master.... except those increasing facial hair that are turning gray like mine.

Monday, October 7, 2019

How Torn-Out turns from Sporadic to Collective Random Thought?

Maid in Eden 5, 2017
 That day when I've asked God why He had given me this gift, if it seems to go against the norms of the art scene or.... why it's not working well in my life?  With that question in mind I begun a Self-search from both within my artistry and take a deeper look into my personal relationship... a question in itself about "Why we are here?"
   Being a truth seeker at a very young age, the interest begun perhaps when I was in High-school from those free Bible given by Gideon 300; you know those small blue pocket size book with The New Testament plus the Psalms and Proverbs got me into casual reading... even if I barely understand English back then, especially the KJV version with those old English text that make it even harder to absorb but I persist and have read it from cover to cover for more than half-a-dozen times maybe. I'm not sure if they are still giving away Bible in schools, when it is greatly needed.
   That Love for God-almighty had always been carved in my heart. None of my parents are avid church-goer, although it is from my Father where the quest for truth came from. Most of the soundbites that lead me to a serious journey was from him. 
   It was these search for Truth (The Kingdom of God) had constantly been my aspiration  in life. Yahushua/Jesus Christ is my beacon and my hiding-place.
   I'm not a Religious person, don't need to be.... I just love God Yahuwah with all my heart and soul. There is a difference, but we will not go to that for now.... 
   Although there was that constant battle, a struggle within my flesh... the desire to lean on my own understanding and to submit to the will of the carnal mind.... which was obvious, in my artwork as well. 
   There is that need for me to tell you that background, despite trying not to over-express my faith and sound preachy on this "Art" blog, it is unavoidable because that relationship with God always correlate with whatever I do, even if, to tell you honestly that most of the time, there is that struggle... a failure to meet my own expectations.  
1995, Bubog sa Dilim
   Our Existence in this planet, err our world would always burden me to share... through my paintings. I don't consider my portraiture's, still-life's, nor other regular scenes as the true reflection of what I truly wish to showcase... I always wanted to paint my "thoughts" and "emotions", most of the times impulsive, sporadic, and random....
   To be honest, it is usally all about what I want, a pleasure seeking self that want affirmation and even praises all for myself. To glorify God? I don't know... perhaps from time to time, Yes.... yet still, it feels to me that I am only using His Holiness as a marketing tool. 
   Let's admit it, whenever we plan, usually God has nothing to do with it, He's rarely included in our ambitions and goals. 
   There are just things and situations where we simply just have to accept, being a Christian specifically..... because we know that there are things that seems beneficial to a man but actually is the way to death. 

"Perhaps self knowing is the only travel worth taking"

   Everything has come to a point only about vanities.... even this blog is just about me.... yet we need to survive, the carnal phases.... so that torn pieces you may not or we may not understand the meaning of it all... just pieces of the puzzle that if we try to connect or glue together would still be wanting.

and ever wanting.....

For more info why I am using the name Yahushua, click:
Why Yahuwah & Yahushua?


It's Like these...

Once you dream... took a bite and realized you've taken more than you could chew...
yeah, heard that before right? But there's even more profound than grabbing all the opportunities you've had... a moment in your life that you have no teeth to chew anymore. 

Impression 12-2019