The Former Things

I can't understand what I'm feeling right now....I feel so lost, cornered and undecided. Everything seems not heart distracted. I seem to be what I'm not....pretending I'm alright. 

   What are these series of bad luck wanting to say to me? Could be that nature is bringing me into a resolution of thoughts. These aren't normal anymore...I knew it couldn't be just  coincidences or was trying to reach out on my awaken state. 

   I have no answer right now... I have no clear answer...  I need to be embrace by God. To feel His Holy presence once again. Why I've become aloof and prejudice in the system... in fact on every human system there is. All the heartache and pain are coming back... nagging and pressing. The words of my love ones are condemning me, even my mother... and from the grave my father's memory reiterating the failure of loving too much... of dying in faith and hope. I can still see vividly the scorning and the threatening look. The fateful jinxes and hoaxes of circumstances. I've lied too much... and perhaps being too honest to obey my own lust....desires linger but it wasn't the same feeling. 
   And though I still create and believe.... even those same dreams of crafted illusions. I hang-on and not faltering but the constant shivering and fear of the future. The promises I can not give nor fulfill anymore. 
   Yet, I was still bless and provided.... and which I should be ashame at the same time. I should be thanking all the people for their love and undying support. I guess I did not become the person you expect me to be.
   I fearfully face the nightmare each time I lay down in my bed. What if death wont let go of me? What if no one is around to hear my agitation. Dying in agony... I crafted the illusion. 
   I will still build upon the collection. They've enjoyed it anyway... it's enough that I've made head turns... somehow I was on the train along the coast... amongst the circle. 
   I've stared at these same wall before....but I haven't felt so alive in years. 

This long overdue WIP is still waiting 

On our way to Sir Fredi's farm in Aurora province 2014.

"The luck of having talent is not enough; 
one must also have a talent for luck." -- Hector Berloiz


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