But I'm Not Complaining




Why do I have to experience dying more than once? My rescues were nothing short of a miracle....do I have to pick up some lessons there or just leave it to my actual bad habits or synchronization of decisions that I had made?
It was not shortcoming when you did all your best....or did I? Well it just that now I am returning to that event of my Near-death...or decay of soul....or recollections....
  
It's gonna take awhile to regain the strength once again....and now you know that you are a failure....and maybe the art world was never really meant for me. 

Losing is indeed a heartbreaking experience....especially when you expected too much. When I've reach MOA and immediately felt there was No joyful vibration as I've reach the Music Hall. I can only imagine my fear...the shame...the promises that will be broken....and the happy lines that I had memories. 
The consequences is too huge for me because the people who trusted me will not believe again...I would have to convince them again because I know that I will never give up....I wont....hopefully....
But I've come into a conclusions...a lesson learned about acceptance and admission of nothingness...of pride which can not go away....the vanities. 


Am I vain? Where do I go now?  

   Even the portrait commission is still on the hanging end....lost interest on it....just wanna get rid of it now 'coz it's occupying space in my nook. 
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God my smoking is uncontrollable and has become very very consuming to my limited resource. I could have just saved them. 
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I've been experience muscle cramps for many days now on my legs and my ligaments were always turning wax or loosing its energies.... 


Why would I be afraid? I've seen how God supported me in every ways He could....but it was just that I can not prove to Him that I'm worth the attention. 

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