But I'm Not Complaining

Why do I have to experience dying more than once? My rescues were nothing short of a miracle....do I have to pick up some lessons there or just leave it to my actual bad habits or synchronization of decisions that I had made?
It was not shortcoming when you did all your best....or did I? Well it just that now I am returning to that event of my Near-death...or decay of soul....or recollections....
It's gonna take awhile to regain the strength once again....and now you know that you are a failure....and maybe the art world was never really meant for me. 

Losing is indeed a heartbreaking experience....especially when you expected too much. When I've reach MOA and immediately felt there was No joyful vibration as I've reach the Music Hall. I can only imagine my fear...the shame...the promises that will be broken....and the happy lines that I had memories. 
The consequences is too huge for me because the people who trusted me will not believe again...I would have to convince them again because I know that I will never give up....I wont....hopefully....
But I've come into a conclusions...a lesson learned about acceptance and admission of nothingness...of pride which can not go away....the vanities. 

Am I vain? Where do I go now?  

   Even the portrait commission is still on the hanging end....lost interest on it....just wanna get rid of it now 'coz it's occupying space in my nook. 
God my smoking is uncontrollable and has become very very consuming to my limited resource. I could have just saved them. 
I've been experience muscle cramps for many days now on my legs and my ligaments were always turning wax or loosing its energies.... 

Why would I be afraid? I've seen how God supported me in every ways He could....but it was just that I can not prove to Him that I'm worth the attention. 


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